indebted to my two year old

tonight i was so grateful and touched by my little two year old (she says she's "two and a half") daughter. S knew i was having a tough evening with daddy working all weekend and mommy getting into a fight with grandma and was so pleasant and trying to uplift my spirits all evening by saying "I love you mommy" and "Don't be mad at grandma, be nice." She was even playing by herself and waiting for me as i nursed Kai.

around bedtime, i told her that i had to put Kai down first so asked her to play with grandma downstairs. i think she sensed that i was a bit stressed over bedtime as well, so the next thing i know it she's running upstairs behind me and then peeking into Kai's room and asking "do you need help mommy?" the mean spirit in me, not knowing she was trying to be helpful but thinking she might wake Kai up, said "No no no Shi - please go out." Without a word, she quietly closed the door (she usually slams is sometimes) and then went to her room. After putting Kai down, i ran to her room to see what havoc she was up to, but lo and behold, this little girl is trying to put her inside-out dinosaur PJs on by herself and getting ready for bedtime by herself - with no help from grandma or mommy.

Even as i was reading books to her and telling her i still had to go soothe Kai (who was on his way to sleep but fighting it and needing some reassuring pats), she told me "okay mommy" and waited for me patiently in her room. and this girl who sometimes takes up to 30 minutes or more to settle down to sleep, then just fell asleep within 1-2 minutes of me coming back to her.

what a sweetheart. she's a far better person than i am.

sayings of shiloh

things she says these days that makes me laugh..

• S: "Bye bye, see you later!"
• S: "Malachi, he's a nice boy."
• S: "Chips? yumm, it's pretty good."
• Mom: "Can Malachi have a popsicle?" S: "No, he eats only oo-yoo (breastmilk)."

mom guilt

starting to realize these days what "mom guilt" is really all about. everytime i put shiloh to bed and see her sweet, angelic, peaceful face sleeping, i think of all the mean glares, yelling, angry/scary voice, or lecturing that i did that day to her and feel guilty and so sorry. i should've been more patient, i should've let her eat that popsicle in peace, i shouldn't have rushed her to get out of the bath, i should have just let her enjoy 5 more minutes playing with her toys. sigh. 

back as a mother of two!

hello blog world. not sure who, if anyone else but me, reads this but i decided to start blogging again mainly for the purpose of recording moments, thoughts, and memories so i can remember them later myself. also, i think i will write more freely here than guarded - as its i guess like a personal journal? i dont have the time to create a new private diary or anything like that during the day, and since most of my time is spent on the phone or laptop (sad i know) - i figure i'll just jot things as life goes on. to be honest, i like these types of journals and writing for myself -- as even with my newborn now, i found myself turning to reading these old entries (although few in number) to remember and recall and remind myself how it was when S was a newborn and it brought a smile to my face as well as relief that it "does get better". which is a big reason why i guess i decided to start up this relatively non-existent blog again.

i guess you can say much has happened since the last time i wrote - my dear S is now 2.5 years old (almost 3 in October), will be starting preschool in the fall (eek, don't know how that will go as she has never been apart from us with strangers), is most definitely in the thick of her terrible twos (to be honest, i think she is a bit, or alot, spoiled and not the most disciplined - which is most likely my fault), watches probably too much TV (currently around 1-1.5 hrs a day, and loves Micky Mouse, Micky Mouse Roadster Racers, and Farting King Pung Pung - korean show lol), is absolutely in love with all her stuffed animals and playing pretend house, pretend kitchen, pretend anything with them - which is when she reminds me of "Calvin" from Calvin and Hobbes. Despite her stubborn and rowdiness though, she has truly grown into a warm, loving, and kind-hearted girl who makes me laugh so much during the day despite the fact i am once again a sleep-deprived mom of a newborn (or now a 7 week old boy!)

some of the things she does that makes me laugh/cry at the same time:

• She tells me "Mommy, I love you" before going to sleep.
• When I get angry or mad, she asks me to "Be Happy" and "Not Mad." (in her exact words: "Mommy, be happy!" (how can i not get over my anger at that?)
• When she is happy or excited about a new gift, she hugs it and rocks the gift in her arms, saying "I love you." (so incredibly cute, which is why we probably spoil her and every week is like Xmas for her from amazon)
• When she drinks something or eats something good, she says with satisfaction: "Pretty good!"
• When she goes out, whether its the park, grocery, my gym, library, class, church (i.e., anywhere outside of home), she MUST take a stuffed animal. To be honest, i don't like that she does as i have to end up washing that stuffed toy when she comes home since its been probably rummaging across the floor or park that is very dirty or not clean - so i've tried to keep her from taking the toys.. to no avail. Case in point: The other day, i told her she could not take her stuffed elephant to My Gym, and she started to cry and have a meltdown. When i asked her what was wrong, she stated while sniffling: "If i don't take elephant, i don't have an animal!!" (which made me laugh so hard, thinking of how she feels that she NEEDS to have an animal with her 24/7 and i gave in and let her take the elephant).

that's just some of her funny conversations and sweet things she says these days. but i want to start jogging them down here so i don't forget! i think at times, its nice to just write things down even though its in my brain too as now, as a matter of two, i have so much more to remember from these precious moments that are passing by so fast! (and yet so slow, sometimes).

its already 9:33 p.m. though and although i want to write more about my thoughts regarding our newest baby boy M and what we've or are experiencing, how this time is vs last time with S, i do want to sleep by 10:00 p.m. tonight since M is still waking up around 2 times in the night (which is a BIG improvement from a few weeks ago!) and i need the sleep so i can have energy to take S around to her day activities and such during the day.

will write more tomorrow evening possibly. for now, i will eat my dried mangos and chocolate chip cookies (my evening snacks due to my nursing cravings eek), brush my teeth, look at some ideas for M's dohl (i know, already planning but i'm sort of neurotic like that), and go to sleep.

weeks thirteen to seventeen

man it is hard to keep up with blogging when you have a 3-4 month old baby running our life! :) i don't know how some mommy bloggers do it, perhaps their babies take long 2-3 hour naps during the day and go to sleep early at 6-7 pm, but my precious little angel currently takes around 45 min naps on average and goes to sleep around 9 pm... but i still love her every one bit and the fact that she makes my life super crazy busy and hectic lol. each day has been a new adventure and at times, i admit, even scary! no one really tells you how scary and unsure you will be as a first time mom - i have had so many doubts, uncertainties, and fears raising Shiloh as to "Am i doing the right thing?" "Am i letting her soothe herself?" "Is she too young to cry it out?" "Is her schedule the best for her optimal sleep/feed/eat?" "Why is she not eating?" and these are just the beginning of all the questions and things i worry about, running through my mind each day.

however - one thing has been a new (and very welcome) development in the past few weeks! she's actually begun sleeping for naps not on me! (hurrah!) well, she still needs to be worn/rocked to sleep initially, but we've been putting her down around 4-5 minutes after she falls asleep. granted, she sleeps only around 45 minutes (praying that this gets longer) but i'm still so thankful that at least she's been going on and that i'm not still carrying her 24/7 (which was nice but honestly, exhausting and tolling on my body - she's over 17lbs now!)

she has also begun sleeping longer stretches at night, averaging around an 8 hours stretch, then wakes up to eat, then usually goes back to sleep for around 2.5-3 hours! that has been soooo nice, but of course, there's me getting up every 3-4 hours to listen to her little cries or squeals that she makes during the night and praying inside that she doesn't wake up. perhaps this is because she sleeps in our room (her crib is stationed right next to our bed) and i basically sleep parallel to her crib -- there's pros and cons to this: pros? i like sleeping next to her, knowing she is safe, seeing her asleep, and feeling her closeby and not having to walk all the way upstairs or across the hall every time she wakes or squeaks -- the cons? waking up every time she wakes or squeaks. even if it's just a little movement, i find myself really sensitive to her sounds so its hard to get a truly 8 hour good night sleep, but i'm still sooo incredibly thankful that she has been such a good baby and sleeping these long stretches with only one feed. (but of course, in the back of mind there are times i think "when should she start dropping that one feed?" "am i creating a one-night feed habit?" "how should i make her stop waking up around that 4am-5am time?") sigh. the questions of a new mommy are endless.

in other news, i have decided to start part-time working from home again starting next week! i think for me, at least at this time, i want to be a working mom (even though being a stay at home sounds glamorous and heavenly to just be at home.. maybe when i have 2+ kids i'll be more open to just staying at home) -- i think i should start picking up something to do for myself again and not lose my other identity as a professional. we're getting a nanny part time who can come around 3x a week for a few hours each day so i can concentrate at least a few hours to work - but i'm scared as to whether i'll truly be able to do it (work from home and raise Shiloh), and whether i'll be able to trust and fully rely on the nanny and "let go" of Shiloh at least for those hours, or if i'll just be too overwhelmed by working/baby that i'll have to stop working. sometimes i think perhaps its easier for moms who work outside the home as they can't hear their baby crying, yelling, or whining but at least for those hours outside, they can concentrate at work? but on the flip side, at least i can be at home if she truly needs me and at the same time, keep an eye on the nanny as well? i hope i can do this! balance work/baby/wifey life! i guess in the next few weeks (likely next month) -- i'll find out! wish me luck!

weeks ten to twelve

sorry i've been so lazy at posting! okay, i wouldn't call it lazy but each day passes so quickly and so crazily that its a miracle if i have even 30 minutes to myself. actually i shouldn't say that, because this little one's been so good at night sleeping around 9-10 pm each night and waking only once to eat (at around 3-4 am) and then sleeping again until around 7-8 am! i know i have nothing to complain about since this little angel is sleeping at night so well! still, during the daytime its been a bit tough as she has gotten into the habit (and i fully take fault) of sleeping only when carried in a baby carrier and by that, i mean, napping only when carried or attached to a body lol. granted, in total her naps are probably anywhere from around 4-6 hours in total each day so in the grand spectrum of things, its not too hard but with her being around 15.6 lbs now, its been taking a toll physically on my back and shoulders i think.

i say that its my fault because around 6 weeks, i was so scared of letting her nap on her stomach (as she had been since basically she came home as a newborn) that i started having her nap in the carrier for a week! in that week, she caught on to this new "habit" and from that point, has only been happily napping on the carrier! i call it unintentional "attachment parenting/babywearing." regardless i have so much to be thankful and feel blessed about (i mean she sleeps around 6-7 hours a stretch at night at 3 months!!) so i know she is giving me the energy/sleep at night so i can have the strength to carry this little one around -- i would totally chose a good night sleeper over a good napper anyway anyhow!

today i took shiloh out to the mall by myself for the first time! it was tiring, a little bit scary (forgot how to take down the stroller oops), and yes she cried a ton during the car ride back (was pretty good on the car ride there - distracted by things) and i kept racing around the stores and in the mall, trying to keep her paci in her mouth, and moving the stroller along fast enough so she'd stay happy - but all in all, i think it was worth it! it certainly helped give me the confidence (a little bit more) that i needed to start taking her out in 20-30 degree weather by myself! i think in order to keep me sane and not so "trapped" at home feeling at home, i will try to venture out with her (when the weather permits) at least during one 3-hour segment per day -- i have a feeling that target, whole foods, and the mall are going to start seeing a whole lot of us.. and maybe in the same outing outfits too lol. (i only have so many shirts/sweaters that have buttons conducive for nursing!)

on another note, my old law firm in CA contacted me recently to see if i'm ready to come back to work now that she is 3 months -- i'm not too sure how i feel about this though. initially, i feel like "yes, i want to go work part-time now" but part of me, doesn't know if I'm ready to let her go yet! in order for me to work also, we have to find a part-time nanny who can come in and watch (more like hold) her for one 3-hour segment of napping/eating during the day. we are actually in the process of looking for one right now, and i suppose if we find one that i am super comfortable with then we will hire her and yes, i'll go back to work. but part of me thinks, "am i really ready to handle all that stress?" but maybe its a different type of stress in that it will let me have some "me away time" from shiloh -- but then again, that "me time" isn't particularly a "relaxing" time when its dealing with stressful clients, work, reports, etc.. i think in these next few weeks, we'll figure out better what we should do or what i'll be most happy or comfortable with re part-time work/nanny..

weeks seven, eight, and nine!

these past few weeks were really hard but finally, things are looking like they're "getting better" as new moms always say (or hope). although josh's schedule was still busy as ever (i hadn't properly seen him for more than a few hours at a time for the last few weeks and that was mostly at midnight or past midnight), my mom was here to the rescue ~ literally. i don't think i could've made it without her - she gave me the sanity that i needed and although at times, her lecturing or nitpicking may annoy or aggravate me, i was (am) so grateful to have had here when i needed her most. i think i was sinking ship, as you can probably tell by my last post last time, and i honestly think my breast milk would've dried up if she hadn't come as i wasn't eating properly or able to take care of myself at that time (nor sleeping well)...one of the things we "changed" was that we started to let shiloh sleep on her tummy. i know its a big "no-no" by the american academy of pediatrics but honestly, she has really good head control and strength and since we slept her on her tummy for naps literally since she was maybe 3 days old, now at 2 months, she is well used to sleeping that way (although not recommend, as i said).

right now, she is eating every 2.5-3 hrs a day but can go through a 7 hr stretch at night! (first night we let her sleep through the night on tummy, she didn't eat for almost 9 hours which really worried me!) and we are so thankful for that! also i'm so thankful that during the wee hours in the night (the 2am, 4am, 5 am, etc. feedings), she generally goes right back to sleep (without being fussy or hard to put down) after eating! that is truly a "Praise God" thankful thing i know!

like i said, things are really much better and getting easier than even 2 weeks ago, but i find myself scared that (a) she is growing up sooo fast - already almost two months! and (b) afraid to start really "sleep training" her - which means that i'll have to likely have her "Cry it out" at times - as right now, we're honestly just letting her sleep on us or the baby carrier during the day for basically all her naps (she really prefers this of course!) i can't believe she's already almost 2 months - as the panic that "oh no! she doesn't have enough stimulating toys!" or "oh no! i actually have to start now reading the 'what to do when your baby is 2 months old' stuff" (since previously, i was only concentrating on "newborn up to 6 six weeks" articles and thinking that 2 months was farrr away..). 

last week, i also turned 28 years old! eek! 2 away from thirty! honestly, this year, my resolution is to know Christ better and to be born again in order to raise Shiloh to love God too ~ i mean, how can i try to instill in her a love for Christ when it's not truly in me either? i've been trying to do devotions in the morning (longer and more meaningful now than just reading a text on my phone while in bed), but its become even harder with a newborn as the moments i have alone or quiet are when she's "hopefully" sleeping or taking a nap, which are unfortunately few right now - that makes me think of all the "free time" i had during my pregnancy especially, that i wasted all those mornings without having long or meaningful devotions..

in other news, it is so nice to have family and josh home for at least a few days during the holiday season to just carry and hold shiloh while i have some "gasp" free time! (actually, a lot! i haven't held her for more than 2 hours maybe during these last 2 days which is amazing!) i feel though a bit guilty at the same time that i haven't held her that much - but i know i should at the same time, relish these days and moments since i know that in a few more days, everyone will be gone (including josh when he's in-house call) and it will be just me taking care of her again. 

happy holidays everyone! :)